One of the smartest things I ever did, up there with learning how to make a good roux, training myself not to be sick in taxis and realising that “dry clean only” is not an instruction that can be enforced by law, was to break up with my very first boyfriend.
There was nothing wrong with either of us, but we were completely wrong for each other. However, at 15, the ferocity of our feelings was strong enough to glue us together for years. We had so much in common! We were both 15! We both really, really, really wanted a boyfriend or girlfriend! We both read books and felt a bit self-conscious about things and sometimes got teased for being quite good at history! This was meant to be!
By the time I was 21, I realised that if fate had anything in store for me, it was not that relationship. We had no idea who we were and what we wanted at 15, but the intoxicating power of first love meant we came perilously close to settling down and being unhappy ever after.
It wasn’t until I was out of my teens that I realised I could have fallen in thrilling, all-consuming love with about 10% of the male population, had I put my mind to it. Hormones heightened my emotions and made me crave my own relationship. Every book I read and every song I heard was about love, and armed with the idea that a good partner is one you have plenty in common with, I’d fantasise about compatible boys because they too ate cereal, watched Neighbours and had hands.
When I was a staff writer for the teen magazine Bliss, I’d talk to many girls who were just as lovestruck as I was when I was their age. A few would say that their friends were boy-crazy and they weren’t bothered; a few told me they were happy to wait until they met the right one; and quite a lot were on a mission to meet The One – or thought they had met The One and planned to make it work at all costs.
Twilight was their bible, and Bella, the young woman who falls in love with vampire Edward Cullen, was their heroine. The Twilight series captivated teens because it trades on the idea that first love is perfect love. The character of Bella is written as a cipher – she’s supposed to be beautiful but other than that, we don’t really know what she looks like, never mind the facets of her personality. Any teen can easily, instantly imagine themselves as her, in her world. Edward makes such an appealing love interest because his main interest is Bella. He can’t sleep with her, because he is a vampire, but he can offer her endless hours of chaste devotion. It’s easy to understand why the story appeals to young, nervous teens. They’re warned to keep away from boys who will sleep with them and leave them – and here’s one who doesn’t want sex, but will stay with them forever. It’s a lovely fantasy, but makes for a dangerous and damaging reality.
Part of the fun of first love is the giddy, relentless woosh of adrenaline that comes with it. You feel like the only person to have ever had those feelings. Bella and Edward, Antony and Cleopatra, and Burton and Taylor had nothing on you. But that first love thrill is often heady enough to mask some sizeable flaws.
I would never tell a teen not to read Twilight, but with all my heart, I’d urge them not to start the quest for The One immediately afterwards. Teens are, like Bella, relatively undefined and free of context. They don’t know who they will become. Dating can be a good way to explore and discover what makes you happy and what you won’t put up with. It’s time to learn that obstacles haven’t been put there by the universe to strengthen your first love – they’re usually a big, clear sign that the relationship doesn’t have enough legs to run.
Teens need to hear that the first love, the one they should protect at all costs, is themselves. That there’s nothing noble about enduring pain and ignoring one’s own feelings to fit an imaginary narrative, but knowing when to stop throwing good time after bad is the only way to reach the happy ending. We can’t stop adolescents from thinking of themselves as the stars of a story, but we can teach them that early relationships make up the first, not the final chapters.
